Time for Two

Every now and then in the chaos of three kids talking to me while the other one is upset about something, making dinner, doing a craft, sorting mail and wiping the dogs muddy winter paws I stand up to my husband gently grabbing me and forcing a moment for just us.  I fight it sometimes, I do.  I don’t like to be stopped in my tracks when I have so many things I need to do at once, but he is right.  (Yes, I said that…)  We just take a moment and sit in the eye of the storm whirling around us and find some quiet place.  In those moments I am reminded that all of this started with just us. 

(Our honeymoon in Jamaica)

It was, for over eight years, just the two of us.  It is hard to remember when we would come home and just flop on the couch with our dinners and watch whatever we wanted.  The weekends were open doors to fun and mischief of one kind or another and mornings sometimes lasted into the afternoons.  It was great.

(A nap whenever we wanted)

Now our life is filled with endless tasks and exponentially less time for “us”.  But, somehow, we are closer now than we ever were then.  Maybe it was the numerous trials we have been through or the strength we have had to rely on in each other at times.  It has been almost 15 years that we have been together and most of the time it still feels like we are dating.  That is, of course, a blessing and a curse at times. 

(Busy Daddy reading to Journey)

Last weekend we made it out to a movie for a little date.  It wasn’t much, but it was a reminder of what once was typical and now is cherished.  We don’t get out too often with just us.  A few times a year maybe? There were always babies, finance issues, time issues, or just the downright inability to find someone that the girls would be comfortable with.  They have only ever been watched by their grandparents, but they live nearly two hours away and thankfully make the jaunt with happy hearts to see their granddaughters each time.  We used a neighbor once too and she did wonderful, but I felt so guilty that she was away from her own kids to watch mine.  So, yes, I would love to get out more, but that isn’t always a feasible option. 

(Our 5 year anniversary when we saw Wicked in Chicago)

We have created time at home though.  We try to get the kids down at eight and then the rest of the evening is ours.  We work on things together, we talk, we do bible study sometimes, watch a movie, work out and just be with each other.  I think that is why we haven’t grown a part through all of this.  We have always tried to make time for each other.  When one of us is weak the other is strong… usually. 

(Our seven year anniversary photo shoot that I surprised him with)

For those just starting out…  enjoy the time alone because it may not always be that way.

For those new families out there… don’t forget how the family started.  Spend time with your spouse even if there are things that need to be done all the time.  For many, having children is a dream and even the most perfect dreams have obstacles.

For the more experienced families, like us…  enjoy taking back some of that time that wasn’t available in recent years.  Do your best not to fall into a pattern of “friendliness” with your spouse that lacks all that made you want to be together in the first place.  Make time for the two of you even if it means a little less sleep, a little less social networking, or a bit of patience.  You, together, are the rock your children are leaning on.

For those veteran couples…  God Bless you… you made it!  Go on a date and toast to all of us following behind you.

Now go find the one that you started the journey with and take a moment today.

Keeping and Creating Christmas Traditions

I have always loved traditions.  They are something you can depend on, look forward to, reminisce about and maybe even pass on to others and more generations that follow. 

In the dark ages (I am referring to 1997) when Brian and I started dating, we had no idea what beautiful things our life together would create.  I struggled with what to get him that first Christmas we were together.  Then, I was passing a store window in Michigan and saw an intricate little pewter ornament.  I knew I should get him that exact one and engrave it to signify the start of many things to come.  I am pretty sure my mom gave me one of those “really?” looks, but I did it anyway.  I found a beautiful little wooden box and wrote a Christmas Promise letter to him.  A pool of uncertainty as to where the future would take us was lined with a subtle confidence that wherever that was we would be together. 

Every year when we get out the decorations for our home, after the lights and garland have adorned the tree, we read this letter that is tucked in a small wooden box with an intricately designed ornament engraved with our names and the year 1997.  Since that year we have gotten an ornament every year.  The animals have them from the year they came into our lives, we have a family one every year and grandma always gets the girls an ornament with their names on it with the year.  All of our ornaments are in bags with the years 1997-2011 marked on them.  We put them up in order and tell our story as we place them on the branches.  All seven moves we have made in that time span, the four children being born, the funny stories from holidays of the past and whatever else we remember. 

Our tree has only those ornaments on it.  The very few others we have decorate other parts of the house, but our tree is a special place for only those special memories. 

The girls love to come and sit by the tree and just look at it.  Skyla is compelled by it in the early dark mornings before school and hatches there while I make her breakfast. 

Other Christmas traditions have been created through the years.  The hallmark singing snowmen collection we have is fun to break out every year.  The girls press the buttons with nearly combative enthusiasm and then dance and dance.  Without a beat missed the song is repeated or another snowman is singing.  There are times when all four children think a different one should be played and then it is just a holly-jolly mash-up.

There is always milk and cookies put out, of course, on Christmas Eve.  They have to be Oreo’s though.  We never have Oreo’s in the house… except for in December!  The girls like the candy cane ones, but my husband will only go for original.

This is Lana two years ago with an O-r-e-o grin!

There are always pancakes on Christmas morning after presents and then we just play all morning with the new loot. 

The new tradition we started this year was the Northview Christmas Concert.  It was so fun and the girls did so well during an hour and a half of performances.  Trinity was entranced by the singing and pledged she would be up there one day.  Journey didn’t scream once, which was an answer to my prayers, and the other two sat quietly and watched in the darkened auditorium.  It was a beautiful night and I look forward to going again next year.

Traditions come and go through the years.  But, I have a fairytale of a Christmas many, many years from now, surrounded by generations of my family as we set up the tree together.  I will reach over and pick up that small wooden box and start with…  This is my Christmas Promise and we will hang up that ornament marked with ours names from 1997.  We will pull the bags from each year since and dress the tree until not a point of a needle can be seen anymore.  We will have a full sized crate worth of hallmark snowmen by then playing in the other room with all the little hands repeatedly pressing the buttons and laughing.  I will look around with a huge smile, while nibbling on my Oreo with one hand and holding my husbands hand in the other, right before we all leave for the Christmas Concert at Church. 

A Breakthrough To Obvious

When you have four kids within four and a half years the responsibilities, duties, tasks, cleanup, teaching and everything else can get jumbled together in a multi colored, twisted, yarn ball that seems unlikely to ever get untangled.  I have had some moments lately where I feel this way, particularly with teaching at home. 

 

When Sky was young I could sit down with her everyday after the twins went down for nap, have one on one time and progress with her while we worked together.  It was just us, a quiet house and a small slice of time.  I found that I was still living in that fantasy world of progress with this go around with the twins who are now four.  I was successful with Skyla, of course I can do it with Trinity and Lana as well.  Right?  They have been in preschool for a year and a half and I have been trying to do things at home since even before that.  Journey, my 2 year old, is also in the mix though and she is, well, difficult to keep in one place and content sometimes.  I seem to have tried everything from waiting until Journey goes to bed, but then one of the others is too tired to learn.  I would try while she is awake, different times of the day and on and on.  It was exhausting and I was beginning to have anxiety over homework time, the girls were dreading it and this is the opposite of what I want for them.  I want them to love learning and have fun with it because it is fun to learn, explore and discover our world. 

(Skyla and her classmates learning about bugs on their trip to the Cincinnati Zoo)

Last week I hit my peak of frustrations with this when everyone was leaving school time in tears and aggravation (yes… even me sometimes).  I emailed their teacher to ask for advice.  This amazing woman called me right away and spoke with me about what was going on.  We talked for a while about what we could do, but it was one piece of advice that she gave me that lifted a heavy load off my shoulders.  She said to work with them one at a time and if it doesn’t get done then that is fine.  One at a time?  One at a time!!  I had thought about it before, but I just felt like there wouldn’t be time enough in the day.  I felt like I should be able to do tandem school work while occupying a toddler, making dinner and answering math questions of the first grader.  I should be able to do everything.  The truth is I could push through it, I could do it, but it wasn’t the best thing for the girls. 

That incredible teacher of theirs gave me the one thing I needed, but didn’t realize.  She gave me a breakthrough!  She gave me permission to take time one on one with the girls and give them the individual attention they crave and need.  They are different children after all with different needs, gifts and struggles and I need to address all of them.  That is my job.  I am first and foremost here for them and everything else can wait.  It can. 

In having all of the girls, especially in the world of twins who share everything and have been separated only a handful of times in their lives, it is difficult to individualize them sometimes.  Skyla had so much one on one time and Journey even has some when all of her sisters are at school, but Trinity and Lana have been grouped together since the beginning. 

(Trinity and Lana only a couple of days old)

So, my point in this is… if something isn’t working allow yourself a break.  Allow yourself permission to step back and look at things from an outside perspective and even ask someone else what you could do differently.  I took Lana into the office and worked with only her for a while.  What once was a huge meltdown moments before out in the bustle of the kitchen while trying to get her to make an “a” the right way (which she has done many times and just wouldn’t / couldn’t at the time) was now peaceful time with only mommy in a quiet place where I was not distracted and she wasn’t either.  She did a great job, I was proud of her and she was proud of herself.  That is worth everything. 

It all seems so logical an “of course Nellie!!!  Why did you not think about that?”, but when you have 27 hours worth of things to do in 24 hours and you somehow need to fit in sleep you can loose track of rational thinking sometimes.

I am again excited about our week to come and excited where this can lead my girls in their school work, but also in just having that private time with each of them to explore their little amazing minds. 

What situation in your life might need a second look?  Try asking someone sincerely what you might be able to do differently and maybe you can have a whole new perspective that was right in front of you the whole time, but you just didn’t see it.