Some Decisions Are Just So Hard

Everyday we are bombarded with thousands of decisions.  Many are minute and insignificant when looked at in the broad spectrum and some are a little more weighted and can alter the events of the day or times ahead.  But, every once in a while you are faced with a decision that is big and you just want to run from it.  You want to hide and pretend it doesn’t exist and it isn’t the elephant in the room, sitting beside you in the van, at the computer or at the dinner table. Wouldn’t it be easier if you could just avoid it?  But, you can’t…

Why do some decisions just have to be so hard???   

My oldest daughter Skyla has had an interesting road of academics in her seven short years.  Looking back, she was never a typical child.  The novelty of parenting was evident when Brian and I didn’t pick up on cues sooner that our little girl skewed a bit from the typical road of progress.  She started reading and doing simple math when she was two and when I took her to preschool they immediately started talking to us about what her future might look like.  In all honesty it was exciting, but scary, to face decisions about what her path may look like at such a young age.

To make a very long story of schools, multiple exams and tests, applications, waiting, anxiety, nerves, confusion, hard work, happiness, accomplishment, hesitance and exhilaration short(ish) we found a beautiful school named Sycamore in Indianapolis for Skyla to start Kindergarten at in the fall of 2010.  Sycamore is a small, private school for the gifted that looked perfect for our little sunshine. 

First Day of Kindergarten

Here, she would be understood and challenged by teachers and administrators and it wouldn’t be a constant battle to make sure my daughter was actually being educated further and not left to read in the corner while the others are mentored.  During the first days at the school all of the promoted promises became evident as truths.  Sycamore staff, parents and fellow classmates fully accepted Skyla and it was as though she had always been there.  She was challenged and taken under their wing from the first day and onward.  Her kindergarten year was stuffed with educational opportunities she had never experienced before, loads of laughs, friends and healthy challenge.  She thrived in every which way. 

Fun trips to the zoo

Plays

That could not be said, in the full spectrum of reality, for us as parents however.  We couldn't have been happier with the school, but there were some set backs.  We were NOT expecting to have a child in private school.  My husband and I are products of the All American public school system and it honestly never occurred to us that our children would need private schooling.  The unexpected expense, paired with the horrible real-estate crisis we were teetering on the cusp of in Illinois, left our financial future in question.  This was accompanied by a 50 minute drive one way to the school when we had three younger daughters to figure schedules out for as well.  To say it was a logistical nightmare is an understatement.  We tried carpooling, but the inconsistency of that added to our anxieties more than aided them.  Then there was the issue of time away.  There was so much travel time that “awake hours” at home during the week could be counted on fingers.   

Science Fair 2012

BUT, there was a bright star that made us wear rose colored glasses toward the issues in all of this.  We saw Skyla blossoming and getting the education she needed and had been thirsting for.  When renewal time came around we applied for financial assistance, got what we could and buckled down for another year.  First grade has been equally amazing and so many worlds have opened up for her.  She loves her school, her teachers, her fellow students, the activities and everything about it. 

The friends

The discovery

But when the letter came this year we were in a different state than before.  Now we have three younger daughters all entering school as well.  Not only that, but we have two four year old readers that wow us everyday with their ideas and random commentary and play.  They too would reap so many benefits from a Sycamore education as well.  Unintentionally, we have kept the other three from so many activities that Skyla had done by their age, but it just wasn't possible and thus not even a thought. 

So, that letter stayed on my desk, peeking at me every time I sat down and taunting me until the last possible moment when my husband and I said, “Let’s go for it and see what financial aid comes back as and go from there for Skyla.”

But, honestly, we both knew there was no way we would be awarded what we needed for this family of six to continue on our path with the school, but I couldn’t make a decision based on assumptions.  You know what they say about assuming!  But, when the response came and the reality hit, all I did was cry.  It wasn’t what we had hoped and now the final decision we had been putting off was before us and had a timer on it. 

All I could do was pray for guidance.  I had to wade through the guttural guilt, the materialistic shame and the anxiety of the future and just ask…  “What do I do God?”

The answer was not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.  We had to take her out.  We had to do what was best for all four of our girls and our family as a whole.  It is ugly and it hurts and it is and will be hard to leave and hard to transition, but Skyla is a remarkable kid and will do well.  With many prayers I know He will help guide her future with us, wherever that is. 

She should be starting at a brand new public school that opens in August by our house and I am speaking with the principal there to try and find a good curriculum fit for her.  I will stand by her and be her mom and advocate as always.  She will, hopefully, have transportation to and from school, be home at a “normal” time, be able to play with her sisters more and we will, as a family, have more time and resources to do things that help bridge the educational experiences gap. 

This has been extremely difficult, but the final decision was made this week and I wanted to get this out so we would be done with it.  This teetering has been going on for three months and now we are done. 

Every decision we make as parents creates a new variant of color and shape in her life.  Like pieces of stained glass, some edges can be piercing and sharp, but when pieced together and gazed upon in its entirety, the vision that I had when she was born will be manifested.  She will indeed have an amazing life.  We will walk forward from this as a family and are SO incredibly grateful for the time Skyla was able to grow, learn and discover at Sycamore.

This has been hanging on her wall since the day we found out she was going to Sycamore

* For my Sycamore Family readers out there- Please refrain from telling your children about this.  We have decided to leave it up to Skyla when she tells her classmates that she will not be going on with them next year.  Thank you!